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"Bloated Toad Syndrome" & Other DSM-5 Diagnoses Redefine "Sanity"
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INVISIBLE DRIVING – The original bipolar memoir. Unique in that it takes readers inside a manic episode – from liftoff through recovery. Incendiary. Click to order.
"Bloated Toad Syndrome" Among Handful Of New Diagnoses In Recently-Released DSM-5 Challenging "Sane" versus "Insane" Dichotomy
Most of us who wrestle with mental health issues also must confront feelings of low self-esteem. When we fully appreciate that we are not quite “normal” we may come to believe that we are “less than”. But that feeling does not last forever. For the most part we work hard to address our maladies and gradually gain mastery over illnesses that were once overpowering. At that point we acknowledge that we have an illness, but we move among “regular folks” with a newfound comfort and confidence. We may still think of ourselves as “a wee bit different”, but we no longer feel “less than”.
Then an amazing thing happens. Because we have become confident in ourselves, we begin to look around the world with curiosity, not fear. We rapidly discover that the people we once found intimidating because they were so sane, grounded and “normal” aren’t really as mentally healthy as we gave them credit for being. The “irony alarm” goes off repeatedly as we compare some of these square shooters to the people like us, (who have been smeared with the label of “whackadoomius”), and quickly conclude that we are, in fact, a lot healthier and balanced than they are!
It’s a little bit validating, but also a little disturbing, and reminds one of the old idea that perhaps “the inmates are running the asylum”. Well, the hipsters, flipsters, and finger-poppin’ daddies at the American Psychiatric Association were well aware of this as they sat down to update the legendary Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, and DSM-5 will boast some brand new diagnoses demonstrating a new willingness to view commonly accepted behavior through a pathological lens. Below are just a few new entries that show, “Normal is the new whacked”.
Bloated Toad Syndrome: Generally considered a reflection of unhealthy societal values like wretched excess and conspicuous consumption, Bloated Toad Syndrome is among the most controversial new diagnoses in DSM-5. Symptoms include: McMansions, outsized SUVs like the Bentley Behemoth, and flat screen TVs that double as load-bearing walls.
Truth Decay: APA officials estimate that one in four Americans suffers from this debilitating moral degeneration. At first restricted to a handful of “at risk” groups, (i.e., lawyers, politicians, used-car salesmen, advertising executives, and FBI agents), Truth Decay has spread nationwide and has even had a corrupting effect on television news!
Debtor’s Prism: Once as exotic as Munchausen by Proxy, Debtor’s Prism has moved to center stage in American culture. The term “prism” is used synonymously with “rose colored glasses” and refers to a type of magical thinking that causes the afflicted to purchase material possessions far beyond their means. Massively in debt, the wildly deluded sufferers buy with random abandon, completely lacking any sense of responsibility or even reality. By looking through their “debtor’s prism” they see the world they want to see, not the world that is.
Faux Real? Disorder: It has long been understood – both by the APA and the general public – that life on social networking sites consists largely of manufacturing highly inaccurate, inflated portrayals of one’s sense in order to impress near and dear and strangers alike. This did not concern psychiatrists at the APA until they realized that many individuals were actually believing their own fabrications, “reading their own Press Releases” as it were. Self-deception, always a bedrock contributor to mental illness, had morphed to an entirely new level, with millions of Americans adoringly hanging on every new lie they told about themselves.
There are more. Just remember for now, not every monkey is in the zoo – some of them own the zoo.
INVISIBLE DRIVING – The original bipolar memoir. Unique in that it takes readers inside a manic episode – from liftoff through recovery. Incendiary. Click to order.
"Bloated Toad Syndrome" Among Handful Of New Diagnoses In Recently-Released DSM-5 Challenging "Sane" versus "Insane" Dichotomy
Most of us who wrestle with mental health issues also must confront feelings of low self-esteem. When we fully appreciate that we are not quite “normal” we may come to believe that we are “less than”. But that feeling does not last forever. For the most part we work hard to address our maladies and gradually gain mastery over illnesses that were once overpowering. At that point we acknowledge that we have an illness, but we move among “regular folks” with a newfound comfort and confidence. We may still think of ourselves as “a wee bit different”, but we no longer feel “less than”.
Then an amazing thing happens. Because we have become confident in ourselves, we begin to look around the world with curiosity, not fear. We rapidly discover that the people we once found intimidating because they were so sane, grounded and “normal” aren’t really as mentally healthy as we gave them credit for being. The “irony alarm” goes off repeatedly as we compare some of these square shooters to the people like us, (who have been smeared with the label of “whackadoomius”), and quickly conclude that we are, in fact, a lot healthier and balanced than they are!
It’s a little bit validating, but also a little disturbing, and reminds one of the old idea that perhaps “the inmates are running the asylum”. Well, the hipsters, flipsters, and finger-poppin’ daddies at the American Psychiatric Association were well aware of this as they sat down to update the legendary Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, and DSM-5 will boast some brand new diagnoses demonstrating a new willingness to view commonly accepted behavior through a pathological lens. Below are just a few new entries that show, “Normal is the new whacked”.
Bloated Toad Syndrome: Generally considered a reflection of unhealthy societal values like wretched excess and conspicuous consumption, Bloated Toad Syndrome is among the most controversial new diagnoses in DSM-5. Symptoms include: McMansions, outsized SUVs like the Bentley Behemoth, and flat screen TVs that double as load-bearing walls.
Truth Decay: APA officials estimate that one in four Americans suffers from this debilitating moral degeneration. At first restricted to a handful of “at risk” groups, (i.e., lawyers, politicians, used-car salesmen, advertising executives, and FBI agents), Truth Decay has spread nationwide and has even had a corrupting effect on television news!
Debtor’s Prism: Once as exotic as Munchausen by Proxy, Debtor’s Prism has moved to center stage in American culture. The term “prism” is used synonymously with “rose colored glasses” and refers to a type of magical thinking that causes the afflicted to purchase material possessions far beyond their means. Massively in debt, the wildly deluded sufferers buy with random abandon, completely lacking any sense of responsibility or even reality. By looking through their “debtor’s prism” they see the world they want to see, not the world that is.
Faux Real? Disorder: It has long been understood – both by the APA and the general public – that life on social networking sites consists largely of manufacturing highly inaccurate, inflated portrayals of one’s sense in order to impress near and dear and strangers alike. This did not concern psychiatrists at the APA until they realized that many individuals were actually believing their own fabrications, “reading their own Press Releases” as it were. Self-deception, always a bedrock contributor to mental illness, had morphed to an entirely new level, with millions of Americans adoringly hanging on every new lie they told about themselves.
There are more. Just remember for now, not every monkey is in the zoo – some of them own the zoo.
"Sometimes it seems like the inmates are running the asylum. Then again, would a sane person want that job?" Taz Mopula
Showtime, Is No Time, For Mercy: (Even Disdain Must Be Earned)
Showtime, Is No Time, For Mercy: (Even Disdain Must Be Earned)
For twelve consecutive years I occupied space in an academic hothouse we’ll call Throckmorton Academy, an oasis of genteel entitlement located, improbably, in a Philadelphia neighborhood called Germantown. Germantown was very chic in the horse and carriage days, today it is known for its cobblestone streets, colonial architecture, urban decay and crime.
All Throckmorton Academy graduates went on to name-brand colleges and universities, universally admired marquee status institutions. This tradition was accepted as law, like gravity, or the idea that everybody likes Italian food. While quality standards were high throughout, Throckmorton Academy was particularly proud of its music department which enjoyed an international reputation. Indeed, its choir would routinely embark on European tours, working rooms like York Minster, widely considered the world’s greatest Gothic cathedral.
Presiding over the music department with the subtlety Idi Amin brought to the task of governing Uganda, and standing just five feet tall, Abigail Urqhardt – Miss Urqhardt to us – was built like a fireplug. Childless and single she ate, slept, sneezed, and certainly dreamed music which was no mere career for her but a language with which one could express the ineffable; a transcendent world where miracles were always nearby.
Miss Urqhardt's merciless perfectionism was legendary, inspiring resentment, fear, admiration, and fierce loyalty. She was fanatical about punctuality and begrudgingly endured an endless succession of excuses for tardiness, often penned by doting parents keen to grease the skids for children already suffering from a surfeit of privilege and indulgence. One day during choir practice a young lady swept into the room late and demonstrated a level of contrition insufficient to satisfy Miss Urqhardt. She froze, scanned the entire room silently – chilling us in turn, and spoke at last.
“The day will come when you are on stage performing this piece with a room full of people looking right at you. You will be judged on your performance alone. You will not have the opportunity to say to the audience – I’m sorry this performance isn’t better but my mom had a flat tire and I got to rehearsal late – I’m sorry my entrances are shabby but my brother stole my sheet music – I’m sorry that what you’re about to hear isn’t as good as it could be but I had lacrosse practice. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
We looked at the floor, avoiding her gaze. “Excuses,” she said at last, “are for amateurs” – practically spitting the final word.
Those who enjoy the humorous, thought-provoking writing found here will love my books. All three are available from Amazon – paperback & digital – simply by clicking on the descriptions below.
INVISIBLE DRIVING – The original bipolar memoir. Unique in that it takes readers inside a manic episode – from liftoff through recovery. Incendiary.
MOONLIT TOURS – Dark comedy/social satire/crime drama. This gritty, urban novel is thick with quirky characters from all social strata. Acerbic.
WASHED UP – Wickedly funny novel delivering an irreverent, affectionate take on alcoholism and recovery in the genteel suburbs. Transformative.
Buy one today. If you’ve read them, please tell someone else about them. Thanks!
Gallows Humor Swings! What's So Funny About Mental Illness?
Gallows Humor Swings! What's So Funny About Mental Illness?
If you’ve been blessed/cursed with Manic Depression you’ll be spending time off the beaten track, in some cases, far off – for example, you might find yourself lying face down in a drainage ditch paralleling the beaten track, being pecked on the head by an angry duck.
At moments like this you can weep and shake your fists at the sky, or you can scratch your head in wonder at the dizzying, diverse smorgasbord of experience life has set before you, and laugh with bemused disbelief. Both options have merit, but healthy bipolar bears benefit from developing a resilient sense of humor predicated on perspective.
Laughter sheds light on a dark situation, creates distance, and generates power. Indeed, seeing the absurdity and irony of threatening situations is a great way to make them less intimidating. Courtrooms, prison cells, mental hospitals, distraught loved ones, and the offices of therapists are not intrinsically funny – however – the most beautiful lotus emerges from the darkest mud. As Taz Mopula once observed, “When the going gets sick, the sick do shtick.”
Becoming better at doing this means developing an ability to find humor in the most unpleasant, disagreeable situations life has to offer, because these will be the moments when it is most desperately needed. This may serve to further estrange you from those who have never strayed onto the shoulder of the beaten track, much less off of it. At this point you can pretend that your view is not as wide as it is, or acknowledge the distinction and let them deal with it.
In a politically correct environment like ours, where the consensus holds that pretending a duck-billed platypus is a swan will make it so, there are those who believe Tourette’s Syndrome is comedy gold, ripe with satiric potential – and those that believe it is always wrong to make fun of the disabled.
The problem with this, dear reader, is that bipolar bears (me and my crew) are disabled, we have already learned that, when it comes to comedy, all of life is fair game, especially ourselves. Indeed, we know that being able to see the humor and absurdity in our own pain, our bizarre affliction; is a key ingredient of healing.
Those who enjoy the humorous, thought-provoking writing found here will love my books. All three are available from Amazon – paperback & digital – simply by clicking on the descriptions below.
INVISIBLE DRIVING – The original bipolar memoir. Unique in that it takes readers inside a manic episode – from liftoff through recovery. Incendiary.
MOONLIT TOURS – Dark comedy/social satire/crime drama. This gritty, urban novel is thick with quirky characters from all social strata. Acerbic.
WASHED UP – Wickedly funny novel delivering an irreverent, affectionate take on alcoholism and recovery in the genteel suburbs. Transformative.
Buy one today. If you’ve read them, please tell someone else about them. Thanks!
Random Sanity Checkpoints Should Help Prevent DWI (Driving While Insane)
Random Sanity Checkpoints Should Help Prevent DWI (Driving While Insane)
It is widely understood that, to legally operate an automobile in the United States, one must possess a valid driver’s license. It is further understood that driving a car is considered a privilege which can be revoked at any time for various reasons. The individual who drives while intoxicated is considered a menace to himself and society so, to protect the general welfare, police officers are entitled to stop automobiles and administer field sobriety tests. Some jurisdictions even set up Field Sobriety Checkpoints. Inebriated drivers caught in these snares are severely punished, and drunk driving decreases as a result.
Well and good, you say, but what’s being done about the equally chilling danger of DWI – Driving While Insane? Sadly, the answer is - not much! But that is all about to change thanks to the imminent introduction of Random Sanity Testing and Sanity Testing Checkpoints!
Get Ready To Prove Your Sanity Anytime Anywhere
If you’ve ever been stopped for driving under the influence most likely you’ve been given a field sobriety test combining rudimentary questions and deceptively simple physical tasks. Fail this and you’re primed for a breath test able to determine the amount of alcohol in your bloodstream.
Obviously, determining sanity is much more difficult than determining inebriation, so, an ad hoc committee consisting of representatives from a broad range of disciplines including theology, philosophy, healthcare, business and law enforcement was assembled to develop a simple, universally applicable Field Sanity Test.
Here are the questions officers will ask, and directions they’ll follow to interpret responses.
Field Sanity Test
1. Do I know what you think you’re being stopped for?
(Note to officer: If answer is “Yes” - Fail. Paranoia.)
2. Does everyone, everywhere care about you being stopped?
(Note to officer: If answer is “Yes” - Fail. Narcissism.)
3. Were you driving erratically so I would stop you to see if there was something wrong with your car?
(Note to officer: If answer is “Yes” - Fail. Munchausen By Proxy.)
4. What do you think your chances are of passing the test I’m about to give you?
(Note to officer: If respondent gives you odds - Fail. Compulsive gambler.)
5. Have you noticed I’m naked underneath these clothes?
(Note to officer: If respondent smirks lasciviously - Fail. Sex addict.)
6. Is this dreadful, intimidating moment an oddly cheering affirmation of the inherent wretchedness of existence?
(Note to officer: If answer is “Yes” - Fail. Clinical depression.)
7. Am I about to meet the greatest…worst person in the entire universe?
(Note to officer: If answer is “Yes” to both - Fail. Rapid cycling Bipolar disorder.)
8. Would you please step out of the car?
(Note to officer: If answer is “#!%&*%!!!#%@&@!!” – Fail. Tourette’s Syndrome.)
that energy you’ve been devoting to mental health is about to pay off!
Those who enjoy the humorous, thought-provoking writing found here will love my books. All three are available from Amazon – paperback & digital – simply by clicking on the descriptions below.
INVISIBLE DRIVING – The original bipolar memoir. Unique in that it takes readers inside a manic episode – from liftoff through recovery. Incendiary.
MOONLIT TOURS – Dark comedy/social satire/crime drama. This gritty, urban novel is thick with quirky characters from all social strata. Acerbic.
WASHED UP – Wickedly funny novel delivering an irreverent, affectionate take on alcoholism and recovery in the genteel suburbs. Transformative.
Buy one today. If you’ve read them, please tell someone else about them. Thanks!
Screaming: What The Whitney Houston Story Wants To Tell Us
I Will Always Lose You: Learning From The Whitney Houston Story
Public reaction to the demise of Whitney Houston has much to teach us so let’s go. First of all, if there is anyone left stupid enough to believe that fame and fortune buy happiness, (besides Kanye West), let them look here for irrefutable proof that it does not. Outpourings of grief and hand wringing about what has been lost have everything to do with what we no longer have and nothing to do with the end of a sad life. Indeed, Ms. Houston had been little more than a walking corpse for over a decade.
When a celebrity dies, our sense of loss is increased because we value celebrity as a thing in itself, without understanding it for the curse it usually becomes. Death is not tragic any more than life is tragic; death is life. Tragedy can only be found in a life of pain, loss, and torment. It is in this respect alone that we are able to find tragedy in the story of Ms. Houston, her drug addiction and perverse relationship with Bobby Brown were like a self-inflicted gunshot wound carried out in slow motion, a Kabuki dance of death performed on camera for our entertainment.
As was the case with Anna Nicole Smith and Amy Winehouse, a crowd of onlookers choked the sidewalk, looking up, waiting for the swan dive and resultant splat. (Indeed, feminists can take heart that social equality has brought us to the point where women now have equal access to Rue James Dean.) If you want tragedy, real tragedy, find a Vietnam vet huddled on a steam vent, nameless and faceless, panhandling for the next shot. Look for the guy who never had any chance at all, much less a second chance.
Ms. Houston was more annoying than tragic, life handed her an endless succession of second chances all of which she slapped away disdainfully; arrogant, haughty, and clueless to the end. Addiction comes in many forms, physical, psychological, spiritual. But even a stone cold, physical addiction – like nicotine or heroin – can be defeated quite easily if one is determined to do so. After a time, the circular trips around the drain cease to be an indictment of friends, managers, and family members who tried to help and failed. What remains is an attraction to self-destruction that has triumphed over self-love.
Whitney Houston had exceptional gifts bestowed upon her; she did not earn or merit them. We can say she was a great beauty, and beauty has a nice way of opening doors. And we can also say that her voice was a natural instrument so extraordinary that one may compare her to Aretha Franklin or Stephanie Mills. Unfortunately she came of age at a time when the nation’s musical taste had bottomed out. Consequently she never needed to learn the real artistry of singing, settling instead for the now pervasive, wretched and overwrought “urban yodeling” she unleashed. With Ms. Houston it was always all about technique and flash, and even jejune practitioners know that an artist who makes it “all about me” is not serving the art, or the audience.
The irony here is that Houston’s cousin, Dionne Warwick, could have taught her that a great singer doesn’t need to scream.
Perhaps if Ms. Houston had screamed for help, the story would have ended happily.
Those who enjoy the humorous, thought-provoking writing found here will love my books. All three are available from Amazon – paperback & digital – simply by clicking on the descriptions below.
INVISIBLE DRIVING – The original bipolar memoir. Unique in that it takes readers inside a manic episode – from liftoff through recovery. Incendiary.
MOONLIT TOURS – Dark comedy/social satire/crime drama. This gritty, urban novel is thick with quirky characters from all social strata. Acerbic.
WASHED UP – Wickedly funny novel delivering an irreverent, affectionate take on alcoholism and recovery in the genteel suburbs. Transformative.
Buy one today. If you’ve read them, please tell someone else about them. Thanks!
The Name Game: Mental Health Terminology Demystified
The Name Game: Mental Health Terminology Demystified
Deciphering mental health terminology is just a little easier than teaching a squid to mambo. This handy reference guide might help.
Mental health is a world within a world, complete with its very own vocabulary. These idiosyncratic names, phrases and expressions may seem odd, even bizarre, to newcomers and outsiders alike. However, if you intend to successfully navigate the crooked concrete corridors leading eventually to mental health, familiarity with this specialized lexicon is strongly advised.
Below is a list of commonly encountered mental health verbiage, followed by helpful definitions.
1. Cured
This term describes a patient whose health insurance has run out.
2. Tibet’s Syndrome
A patient who believes all mental health maladies can be cured by studying Eastern religion.
3. Mentalpause
The state of being that separates mental play from mental fast-forward. It is characterized by tropical island fantasies and irritability.
4. Paranormia
Paranormia describes an irrational fear of being abducted by aliens and forced to watch tedious, poorly produced movies of their summer vacations. It combines fear of the nearly impossible with resentment resulting from being disappointed by the nearly impossible, even though it hasn’t yet happened.
5. Gazebo Effect
The gazebo effect refers to a strategy in which a physician uses psychology to heal a patient. The patient’s normal medication is replaced with a sugar pill, or “gazebo”, without the patient’s knowledge. The patient is then instructed to sit in an English garden, preferably near a pond with swans. Since the patient believes they are still benefiting from the actual medication, they continue to get better, even though the only force healing them is the illusion that they are a gazebo.
6. Best Man-ic Depression
This rare, awkward condition describes what happens when the Best Man at a wedding considers his sorry existence, (a bleak contrast to the cheerful celebration surrounding him), and becomes so depressed he is completely incapable of performing his duties.
Instead of providing support he spoils the joyful occasion by reciting interminable passages from Nausea and No Exit by J.P. Sartre, all the while weeping voluminously as the bride and groom vainly attempt to console him.
7. Psycholalia
The weird sensation of living inside a giant echo chamber experienced by psychoanalytic patients who realize after some time that their psychiatrists simply repeat everything they say (followed, after an appropriate pause, by a thoughtful “Hmmmmm”.)
8. Sleep Appnia
Individuals who suffer from Sleep Appnia download apps to their iPhones while asleep. (See also Drunk Dialing.)
This is only a partial list, of course, and we will demystify other terms in blogs to come. Until then, keep on squazzling!
Those who enjoy the humorous, thought-provoking writing found here will love my books. All three are available from Amazon – paperback & digital – simply by clicking on the descriptions below.
INVISIBLE DRIVING – The original bipolar memoir. Unique in that it takes readers inside a manic episode – from liftoff through recovery. Incendiary.
MOONLIT TOURS – Dark comedy/social satire/crime drama. This gritty, urban novel is thick with quirky characters from all social strata. Acerbic.
WASHED UP – Wickedly funny novel delivering an irreverent, affectionate take on alcoholism and recovery in the genteel suburbs. Transformative.
Buy one today. If you’ve read them, please tell someone else about them. Thanks!
You Can't Take It With You - Prunella Entwhistle In The Scottish Highlands
You Can't Take It With You - Prunella Entwhistle In The Scottish Highlands
Many years ago my (then) girlfriend, Prunella Entwhistle, and I took a vacation to Scotland so she could meet the relatives and eat haggis
A dyed-in-the-wool Romantic, Prunella adored art and was an amateur sculptor. Enthusiastic and impulsive by nature, she was given to moments of inspiration infrequently preceded by rational deliberation. The vacation progressed well and we crisscrossed the Scottish highlands in a rented Mini, lodging modestly in tiny towns with names like Auchnagallin, Kearvaig, and Cave of Smoo.
One morning, as we were leaving the latest in a long line of B&Bs, I firmly gripped the handles of our suitcases to take them downstairs for packing into the Mini. Doing so gave me the distinct impression that our suitcases did not wish to come along. Flummoxed and put off in a way unique to people trying to break camp and get going, I raised the bags slowly – they had definitely put on weight. I was then reminded of a nagging suspicion I’d had – and ignored – for days, that either I was becoming weaker or the bags were getting heavier.
Impatient and irritated I opened them up to determine if this was real or some dreadful hallucination. There, carefully wrapped and stashed inside Prunella's sweaters, shirts, and trousers were half-a-dozen large stones, souvenirs of the Highlands. I was horrified, but it was about to get worse. I also discovered several whiskey bottles that had been filled with water from mountain springs. As I realized I’d been carrying this dead weight up and down stairs - and was expected to carry it through various airport terminals - the blood began to rise like mercury in a thermometer.
Later, after I’d vented sufficiently to make continued travel possible, Prunella revealed her “artistic” plan to make a little garden in our Pennsylvania home featuring Scottish rocks and water. I shook my head in quiet disbelief, wishing for a witness to confirm the depths of my suffering.
To live is to accumulate baggage. It pays to have a good look every now and again; some of your beliefs, assessments, values, etc. may have outlived their usefulness. One’s own baggage is bad enough, but as you are cleaning house you may discover that you’re also dragging around somebody else’s insanity; and who needs that?
Those who enjoy the humorous, thought-provoking writing found here will love my books. All three are available from Amazon – paperback & digital – simply by clicking on the descriptions below.
INVISIBLE DRIVING – The original bipolar memoir. Unique in that it takes readers inside a manic episode – from liftoff through recovery. Incendiary.
MOONLIT TOURS – Dark comedy/social satire/crime drama. This gritty, urban novel is thick with quirky characters from all social strata. Acerbic.
WASHED UP – Wickedly funny novel delivering an irreverent, affectionate take on alcoholism and recovery in the genteel suburbs. Transformative.
Buy one today. If you’ve read them, please tell someone else about them. Thanks!
Less Said The Better: The Sublime Literary Minimalism Of One-Sentence Stories
Less Said The Better: The Sublime Literary Minimalism Of One-Sentence Stories
1. Charles Bukowski stared at the label and understood at last that Blatz was both a product name and a promise.
2. Barbra Streisand, Kenny G, and Russell Brand were trapped in a burning warehouse; outside Hunter Thompson wondered which one he’d shoot first.
3. It had become impossible for Gertrude Stein to pretend she didn’t enjoy rebuilding transmissions.
4. Despite a sound thrashing from Ernest Hemingway, the mime refused to speak.
5. Tom Waits, Jack Kerouac, and William Burroughs walked into a bar, and stayed.
6. Publishers of Final Exit: The Practicalities of Self-Deliverance and Assisted Suicide for the Dying, by Derek Humphry, include Complete Monologues of Garrison Keillor with newly released Fourth Edition.
7. Initial optimism vanished as the parachuting club for chronic stutterers closed quietly after what was referred to thereafter as, “the horrible incident”.
8. Jorge Luis Borges went to the supermarket in search of a knife fight.
9. A recently discovered deathbed confession by Jackson Pollack reveals, “It was just a joke.”
10.Quentin Tarantino, in a guest lecture at UCLA film school, surprised the audience by revealing, “If you can cut and paste you can make it in this business, it’s not plagiarism, it’s homage.”
Those who enjoy the humorous, thought-provoking writing found here will love my books. All three are available from Amazon – paperback & digital – simply by clicking on the descriptions below.
INVISIBLE DRIVING – The original bipolar memoir. Unique in that it takes readers inside a manic episode – from liftoff through recovery. Incendiary.
MOONLIT TOURS – Dark comedy/social satire/crime drama. This gritty, urban novel is thick with quirky characters from all social strata. Acerbic.
WASHED UP – Wickedly funny novel delivering an irreverent, affectionate take on alcoholism and recovery in the genteel suburbs. Transformative.
Buy one today. If you’ve read them, please tell someone else about them. Thanks!
The Tears of a Clown: Chuckles The Depressed Clown & His Flying Circus
Years ago I was traveling from Philly to L.A. on business and found myself seated next to an unremarkable gentleman – mid-40s, clean-shaven, tall, closely-cropped hair, dressed casually but in all regards neat and presentable. One is captive on a plane and I hoped he understood the difference between friendly and intrusive.
Half an hour later this is what I knew about him. He was a clown who went by the name Chuckles and made a modest living working birthday parties, fairs, etc. Over the past year he had become involved in a legal contest with a rival clown, Lord Chumley, who he’d accused of stealing his make-up. Chuckles explained to me at some length that every clown develops his/her unique look, as individual as a fingerprint. For one clown to steal the look of another clown was egregious. At this point he’d produced a very slick portfolio containing dozens of photographs showing him in full clown regalia – his make-up was so absolutely generic that I could not imagine anybody stealing it unless the aim was to resemble every other clown in the world.
But, as it turned out, larcenous colleagues provided only the beginning of a sad tale Chuckles told with hideous, obligatory persistence worthy of the ancient mariner. The crux of it was as old as time, love gone wrong, a broken heart. It turned out that Mrs. Chuckles had been wooed by a juggler and abandoned my traveling companion, leaving only a note. As Chuckles began to launch into this part of his story he gradually lost all semblance of composure and soon was crying convulsively, unable to complete a sentence without gasping for breath once or twice between sobs.
I am comfortable with the dark side of humor; but, one has limits. Certainly there was something deliciously ironic about a clown named Chuckles entangled in a copyright dispute with another clown, so shattered by romance on the rocks he could not contain his despondence; yes, but there was also something creepy and disturbing about it – and the flight was long. So, feeling only slightly guilty, I excused myself and found another seat, two rows further back.
For the balance of the trip I watched Chuckles make balloon animals which were passed from one person to the next and retained as desired. I suppose he made about fifty before becoming so lightheaded he had to take a nap. Dachshunds, hippopotami, giraffes, alligators, whales – he really was quite remarkable…and I thought to myself, this is a metaphor for life. A colleague steals your act, a juggler steals your girl - if you’re the clown for the job, you don’t let it get you. You lace up the inflatable shoes, stick on the red nose, and make your goddamn balloon animals just like any other day. You rock, Chuckles.
But what I remember most from that trip is what happened after we landed. Row after row of passengers stood up, collected their carry on articles from the overhead compartments, and gathered themselves for the walk ahead. The kids, sure, I got that, and the teenagers too. But even the hot shot executives, smart as could be in 3-piece suits with leather attaché cases – they too all had their souvenir, brightly colored balloon animals tucked neatly under their arms, like irreplaceable, collectible artifacts. They looked absolutely preposterous, of course, especially because, without exception, not one of them was smiling.
Those who enjoy the humorous, thought-provoking writing found here will love my books. All three are available from Amazon – paperback & digital – simply by clicking on the descriptions below.
INVISIBLE DRIVING – The original bipolar memoir. Unique in that it takes readers inside a manic episode – from liftoff through recovery. Incendiary.
MOONLIT TOURS – Dark comedy/social satire/crime drama. This gritty, urban novel is thick with quirky characters from all social strata. Acerbic.
WASHED UP – Wickedly funny novel delivering an irreverent, affectionate take on alcoholism and recovery in the genteel suburbs. Transformative.
Buy one today. If you’ve read them, please tell someone else about them. Thanks!
I Will Always Lose You: Learning From The Whitney Houston Story
I Will Always Lose You: Learning From The Whitney Houston Story
Public reaction to the demise of Whitney Houston has much to teach us so let’s go. First of all, if there is anyone left stupid enough to believe that fame and fortune buy happiness, (besides Kanye West), let them look here for irrefutable proof that it does not. Outpourings of grief and hand wringing about what has been lost have everything to do with what we no longer have and nothing to do with the end of a sad life. Indeed, Ms. Houston had been little more than a walking corpse for over a decade.
When a celebrity dies, our sense of loss is increased because we value celebrity as a thing in itself, without understanding it for the curse it usually becomes. Death is not tragic any more than life is tragic; death is life. Tragedy can only be found in a life of pain, loss, and torment. It is in this respect alone that we are able to find tragedy in the story of Ms. Houston, her drug addiction and perverse relationship with Bobby Brown were like a self-inflicted gunshot wound carried out in slow motion, a Kabuki dance of death performed on camera for our entertainment.
As was the case with Anna Nicole Smith and Amy Winehouse, a crowd of onlookers choked the sidewalk, looking up, waiting for the swan dive and resultant splat. (Indeed, feminists can take heart that social equality has brought us to the point where women now have equal access to Rue James Dean.) If you want tragedy, real tragedy, find a Vietnam vet huddled on a steam vent, nameless and faceless, panhandling for the next shot. Look for the guy who never had any chance at all, much less a second chance.
Ms. Houston was more annoying than tragic, life handed her an endless succession of second chances all of which she slapped away disdainfully; arrogant, haughty, and clueless to the end. Addiction comes in many forms, physical, psychological, spiritual. But even a stone cold, physical addiction – like nicotine or heroin – can be defeated quite easily if one is determined to do so. After a time, the circular trips around the drain cease to be an indictment of friends, managers, and family members who tried to help and failed. What remains is an attraction to self-destruction that has triumphed over self-love.
Whitney Houston had exceptional gifts bestowed upon her; she did not earn or merit them. We can say she was a great beauty, and beauty has a nice way of opening doors. And we can also say that her voice was a natural instrument so extraordinary that one may compare her to Aretha Franklin or Stephanie Mills. Unfortunately she came of age at a time when the nation’s musical taste had bottomed out. Consequently she never needed to learn the real artistry of singing, settling instead for the now pervasive, wretched and overwrought “urban yodeling” she unleashed. With Ms. Houston it was always all about technique and flash, and even jejune practitioners know that an artist who makes it “all about me” is not serving the art, or the audience.
The irony here is that Houston’s cousin, Dionne Warwick, could have taught her that a great singer doesn’t need to scream.
Those who enjoy the humorous, thought-provoking writing found here will love my books. All three are available from Amazon – paperback & digital – simply by clicking on the descriptions below.
INVISIBLE DRIVING – The original bipolar memoir. Unique in that it takes readers inside a manic episode – from liftoff through recovery. Incendiary.
MOONLIT TOURS – Dark comedy/social satire/crime drama. This gritty, urban novel is thick with quirky characters from all social strata. Acerbic.
WASHED UP – Wickedly funny novel delivering an irreverent, affectionate take on alcoholism and recovery in the genteel suburbs. Transformative.
Buy one today. If you’ve read them, please tell someone else about them. Thanks!
