Random Sanity Checkpoints Curb DWI

cops dui stop

It is widely understood that, to legally operate an automobile in the United States, one must possess a valid driver’s license. It is further understood that driving a car is considered a privilege which can be revoked at any time for various reasons.

The individual who drives while intoxicated is considered a menace to himself and society so, to protect the general welfare, police officers are entitled to stop automobiles and administer field sobriety tests. Some jurisdictions even set up Field Sobriety Checkpoints. Inebriated drivers caught in these snares are severely punished, and drunk driving decreases as a result.

Well and good, you say, but what’s being done about the equally chilling danger of DWI – Driving While Insane?

Sadly, the answer is – not much! However, that’s all about to change thanks to the imminent introduction of Random Sanity Testing and Sanity Testing Checkpoints!

Get Ready To Prove Your Sanity Anytime Anywhere

If you’ve ever been stopped for driving under the influence most likely you’ve been given a field sobriety test combining rudimentary questions and deceptively simple physical tasks. Fail this and you’re primed for a breath test able to determine the amount of alcohol in your bloodstream.

Obviously, determining sanity is much more difficult than determining inebriation, so, an ad hoc committee consisting of representatives from a broad range of disciplines including theology, philosophy, healthcare, business and law enforcement was assembled to develop a simple, universally applicable Field Sanity Test.

Here are the questions officers will ask, and directions they’ll follow to interpret responses.

Field Sanity Test

1. Do I know what you think you’re being stopped for?
(Note to officer: If answer is “Yes” – Fail. Paranoia.)

2. Does everyone, everywhere care about you being stopped?
(Note to officer: If answer is “Yes” – Fail. Narcissism.)

3. Were you driving erratically so I would stop you to see if there was something wrong with your car?
(Note to officer: If answer is “Yes” – Fail. Munchausen By Proxy.)

4. What do you think your chances are of passing the test I’m about to give you?
(Note to officer: If respondent gives you odds – Fail. Compulsive Gambler.)

5. Have you noticed I’m naked underneath these clothes?
(Note to officer: If respondent smirks lasciviously – Fail. Sex Addict.)

6. Is this dreadful, intimidating moment an oddly cheering affirmation of the inherent wretchedness of existence?
(Note to officer: If answer is “Yes” – Fail. Clinical Depression.)

7. Am I about to meet the greatest…worst person in the entire universe?
(Note to officer: If answer is “Yes” to both – Fail. Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder.)

8. Would you please step out of the car?
(Note to officer: If answer is “#!%&*%!!!#%@&@!!” – Fail. Tourette’s Syndrome.)

Random Sanity Checkpoints are just around the corner; all that energy you’ve been devoting to mental health is about to pay off!

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Alistair McHarg

Alistair McHarg was born in Cambridge, Massachusetts, moved immediately to Edinburgh, and three years later moved to Amsterdam. At 6 he settled in Philadelphia and for 16 years was confused by Quaker education; Germanton Friends School and Haverford College. A Master of Arts in Creative Writing from the University of Louisville nudged him even closer to unemployability. Convinced at an early age that fate had chosen writing as his calling, Alistair followed a characteristically slow and circuitous path. He has found work as deck hand on a Norwegian tramp freighter touring South America, Bureau of Land Management Emergency Fire Fighter in Alaska, guide at a Canadian wilderness survival camp, truck driver crisscrossing Colorado's continental divide, and inner city cabbie. Alistair has been arranging words on paper for a living since 1983.