Our Preeminent Mental Illness Humor Blogger

Alistair Scooter Hat

When you get to be my age you start asking yourself questions like, “What time is it?” and “What am I doing in Tijuana?” and “What is Martinizing and why does it only take one hour?”

If you are about to celebrate a birthday, (if celebrate is the right word), you may be tempted to gaze across the seemingly endless succession of impulsive decisions, high-speed car chases down cul-de-sacs, and manic spending sprees littering the ravages of what you generously describe as “your life” and wonder how you managed to squander the cornucopia of opportunities strewn at your feet as a child.

Or not. With a birthday looming large there is no time for such whackadoomiousness because I stand before you now, (imagine I’m standing), a man who has reached the pinnacle of his profession, the Everest he set out to conquer decades ago. That’s right, I am the Preeminent Mental Illness Humor Blogger in The United States!

Do not think I reached the pinnacle of my profession through some quirk of fate, some whim of circumstance, some chance twist of unpredictability, some like it hot, oh no, anything but. My ascent to this lofty height came about through the execution of a carefully constructed plan well in place before I received my first pair of full-length trousers.

Without any further adon’t, here it is: First I learned to write. Then I developed a sense of humor. I did this by carefully studying the creative output of Garrison Keillor, Sacha Baron Cohen, Andrew Dice Clay, and Gallagher to make absolutely certain my work never resembled theirs.

Then came the exciting part – choosing my mental illness. The selection was vast, almost dizzying. I wanted an illness I could take with me on trips, couldn’t be bothered with a lot of heavy equipment. Affordability was also a factor; some mental illnesses are prohibitively expensive! I was also looking for a mental illness with a little style, flare, panache, je ne sais quoi – whatever that is.

At last I settled on bipolar disorder, which came with a very impressive pedigree including many of my favorite writers, painters, and composers. The rest, as we say, is show business history.

So remember, most people don’t plan to fail, they plan to plan, and fail to do so long before they ever get around to it.

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Alistair McHarg

Alistair McHarg was born in Cambridge, Massachusetts, moved immediately to Edinburgh, and three years later moved to Amsterdam. At 6 he settled in Philadelphia and for 16 years was confused by Quaker education; Germanton Friends School and Haverford College. A Master of Arts in Creative Writing from the University of Louisville nudged him even closer to unemployability.

Convinced at an early age that fate had chosen writing as his calling, Alistair followed a characteristically slow and circuitous path. He has found work as deck hand on a Norwegian tramp freighter touring South America, Bureau of Land Management Emergency Fire Fighter in Alaska, guide at a Canadian wilderness survival camp, truck driver crisscrossing Colorado’s continental divide, and inner city cabbie.

Alistair has been arranging words on paper for a living since 1983.