Government Will Soon Pay Bloggers Not To Write

Instant Universal Communication Has Made It Impossible

Long ridiculed as bureaucratic counter-intuition on steroids, the Agricultural Adjustment Act (AAA), which paid subsidies to farmers for not planting crops, met and exceeded its lofty goals. By reducing surpluses it arrested the rapid decline of produce prices, thereby raising crop value and enabling Depression-weary farmers to retain homesteads teetering on the brink of foreclosure.

Nearly a century later, this preemptive technique is being applied to the Internet. Nigel Rasmussen, Press Liaison for the Federal Communications Commission, recently made these comments on the Library of Congress steps.

“Reading and writing were once the exclusive province of an elite professional class. Today, technology has democratized the tools of communication, resulting in a tsunami even more cretinous and loathsome than anticipated. We must ask – at what point does communication become air pollution? Has instant, universal communication made it impossible to know if anyone is saying anything valuable? Are these rhetorical questions? Was that a rhetorical question?

“Today’s ubiquitous, incessant blather has rendered language virtually worthless. Only by reducing the amount of language produced, and elevating the quality, can we hope to return any semblance of meaning and utility – much less beauty – to our words. That is why I am pleased to introduce the new, “Silence is Golden” program.

“In a nutshell, this program pays bloggers not to write. Importantly, the more they don’t write the more they earn.

“You’ll learn more about this exciting program soon. Until then, remember, “Help eliminate communication pollution! If you have nothing of value to say, say it only as often as is absolutely necessary.”

Our Preeminent Mental Illness Humor Blogger

Alistair Scooter Hat

When you get to be my age you start asking yourself questions like, “What time is it?” and “What am I doing in Tijuana?” and “What is Martinizing and why does it only take one hour?”

If you are about to celebrate a birthday, (if celebrate is the right word), you may be tempted to gaze across the seemingly endless succession of impulsive decisions, high-speed car chases down cul-de-sacs, and manic spending sprees littering the ravages of what you generously describe as “your life” and wonder how you managed to squander the cornucopia of opportunities strewn at your feet as a child.

Or not. With a birthday looming large there is no time for such whackadoomiousness because I stand before you now, (imagine I’m standing), a man who has reached the pinnacle of his profession, the Everest he set out to conquer decades ago. That’s right, I am the Preeminent Mental Illness Humor Blogger in The United States!

Do not think I reached the pinnacle of my profession through some quirk of fate, some whim of circumstance, some chance twist of unpredictability, some like it hot, oh no, anything but. My ascent to this lofty height came about through the execution of a carefully constructed plan well in place before I received my first pair of full-length trousers.

Without any further adon’t, here it is: First I learned to write. Then I developed a sense of humor. I did this by carefully studying the creative output of Garrison Keillor, Sacha Baron Cohen, Andrew Dice Clay, and Gallagher to make absolutely certain my work never resembled theirs.

Then came the exciting part – choosing my mental illness. The selection was vast, almost dizzying. I wanted an illness I could take with me on trips, couldn’t be bothered with a lot of heavy equipment. Affordability was also a factor; some mental illnesses are prohibitively expensive! I was also looking for a mental illness with a little style, flare, panache, je ne sais quoi – whatever that is.

At last I settled on bipolar disorder, which came with a very impressive pedigree including many of my favorite writers, painters, and composers. The rest, as we say, is show business history.

So remember, most people don’t plan to fail, they plan to plan, and fail to do so long before they ever get around to it.