The Great Epigram Quiz

epigram taz

The use and abuse of quotes, aphorisms, and bromides has grown to epidemic proportions; today the Internet is awash in frequently misattributed, pithy sentiments. Who really said the following?

1.“Why pay to exercise in a gym when you can enjoy an exercise in futility for free whenever you like?”
a.) Cicero
b.) Snooki
c.) Sisyphus
d.) Taz Mopula

2. “You have the right to remain silent, and listen. Might be advisable to exercise it before they take that one away, too.”
a.) Marcel Marceau
b.) Lao Tzu
c.) Boxcar Willie
d.) Taz Mopula

3. “Don’t honk if you love auditory hallucinations.”
a.) Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
b.) Sylvia Plath
c.) His Holiness the Dalai Lama
d.) Taz Mopula

4. “Laughter is the best medicine; except when it comes to poisonous snakebites, then it’s the second-best medicine.”
a.) Albert Schweitzer
b.) Baron Rochefoucauld
c.) Kim Kardashian
d.) Taz Mopula

5. “The real tragedy of political correctness is that it has given lying a bad name.”
a.) Pliny The Elder
b.) Pliny The Younger
c.) Regular Pliny
d.) Taz Mopula

6. “Think twice before burning bridges; you never know when you might want to jump off one of them.”
a.) Zig Zigler
b.) Pema Chödrön
c.) Reverend Ike
d.) Taz Mopula

7. “Looking for self-worth in someone else’s eyes is like trying to breathe with someone else’s lungs.”
a.) Maya Angelou
b.) Charlie Sheen
c.) Gertrude Stein
d.) Taz Mopula

8. “It’s not that I don’t love you, I do love you; I just don’t love you enough to lie to you.”
a.) Dante
b.) Paris Hilton
c.) Shakespeare
d.) Taz Mopula

9. “Should you meet someone who claims that visualizing a thing makes it so; tell them to visualize being flattened by a bus.”
a.) Tom Waits
b.) James Dean
c.) Hunter Thompson
d.) Taz Mopula

10. “Life is good! Death is poopy!”
a.) Dr. Wayne Dyer
b.) Oprah Winfrey
c.) Tony Robbins
d.) Taz Mopula

11. “You can’t fool all of the people all of the time; but why would you even try when they’re so eager to do the job for you?”
a.) Abraham Lincoln
b.) Will Rogers
c.) Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli
d.) Taz Mopula

12. “Why raise the bridge when you can lower your expectations of the river?”
a.) Albert Camus
b.) Søren Kierkegaard
c.) Jean Paul Sartre
d.) Taz Mopula

13. “Ultimately it’s not what you don’t say that matters most so much as how you don’t say it.”
a.) Harpo Marx
b.) Tomás de Torquemada
c.) Oscar Wilde
d.) Taz Mopula

14. “Be nice to your enemies; you just might be one of them.”
a.) Pogo
b.) Socrates
c.) Ozzy Osbourne
d.) Taz Mopula

15. “The best things in life aren’t free, the worst things in life aren’t free, and the cost of mediocrity is hidden.”
a.) John Lennon
b.) Jack Lemmon
c.) Blind Lemon Jefferson
d.) Taz Mopula

16. “Dying is easy, they say, but comedy is hard. So cheer up. Even if you fail at comedy you’re almost certain to die successfully.”
a.) Andrew “Dice” Clay
b.) Sam Kinison
c.) Carrot Top
d.) Taz Mopula

17. “American liberals, celebrated for their tolerance, stalwartly defend the right of wretched refuse to agree with them.”
a.) Noam Chomsky
b.) Pete Seeger
c.) Christopher Hitchens
d.) Taz Mopula

18. “Political Correctness: An experiment in social engineering which holds that renaming dung mousse au chocolat makes it edible.”
a.) Reverend Al Sharpton
b.) Julia Child
c.) Che Guevara
d.) Taz Mopula

19. “If technology makes our lives any more convenient, even breathing will become too much of an effort.”
a.) Steven Jobs
b.) Bill Gates
c.) Larry Page
d.) Taz Mopula

20. “Artificial intelligence will soon be the only kind remaining; thus conclusively proving the failure of human intelligence.”
a.) Isaac Asimov
b.) Ray Bradbury
c.) Michel de Nostredame
d.) Taz Mopula

TAZ TALKS – The Totally Awesome Retard

taz talks logo

There has been some confusion about TAZ TALKS versus TED TALKS. Actually, it’s pretty easy to tell the difference. TAZ TALKS feature intellectually challenging explorations of innovative ideas that boldly address the pivotal issues of our age, and ages to come.

TED TALKS, by contrast, are Tony Robbins infomercials for NPR listeners.

Hope that clears it up.

What follows is a transcript of Taz Talk #2 – presented by Taz Mopula at the Aspen, Colorado Airport Hilton on March 17, 2009.

Life Is Good When You’re A Totally Awesome Retard 

Hello.

Ann Landers, Pema Chödrön, and Dr. Ruth Westheimer walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Help yourself.” True story.

TV was once exciting. Every new technology shows promise before plummeting to meet the level of its user.

Technology has democratized the tools of creativity, resulting in a tsunami even more cretinous and loathsome than anticipated.

Our ability to broadcast the wretched detritus of daily life is no argument for doing so; restraint is increasingly precious.

Humans can repair mechanical problems; but machines cannot repair human problems, only manifest them in new forms.

If technology makes our lives any more convenient, even breathing will become too much of an effort.

We think of the world as a dangerous place and realize too late that we are the most dangerous part of it.

I avoid all political discussions because the doctor told me to reduce my daily intake of anger and stupidity.

Common good must take precedence over all else: obstinate adherence to partisan ideology for its own sake is treasonous.

The problem with Democracy is that it allows absolutely everybody to participate; fortunately they don’t.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me every day and you’re ready to run for office.

The real tragedy of political correctness is that it has given lying a bad name.

You have the right to remain silent, and listen. Might be advisable to exercise it before they take that one away, too.

You can’t fool all of the people all of the time; but why would you even try when they’re so eager to do the job for you?

Never confuse fame with artistic quality, or wealth with value. Society gets what it wants, not what it needs.

For today’s artist, reality is an unsatisfactory inconvenience desperately in need of digital enhancement.

No one goes to school to become an artist; you go to school to avoid becoming an artist.

Why pay to exercise in a gym when you can enjoy an exercise in futility for free whenever you like?

Clever is a poor relation of smart, and a bitter enemy of wise. The inevitable consequence of knowledge is humility.

Whales and polar bears, yes; but you will never find intellectual sloth on the endangered list.

Should you meet someone who claims that visualizing a thing makes it so; tell them to visualize being flattened by a bus.

If you want to find your bliss, get yourself some blisters.

Exorcize your demons; don’t exercise them.

It’s not that I don’t love you, I do love you; I just don’t love you enough to lie to you.

Thank you.