Taz Fans Share Fave Mopulisms

 

epigram taz

The enigmatic aphorisms of Taz Mopula are tentatively teased apart and cautiously deciphered from rugged Auchtermuchty to the shores of Bora Bora. Readers, fans, devotees and others wonder if they’re whimsical, whacked, weird, wise, or witty. We cannot say with unquestioned authority. Indeed, only one thing is certain and there is no telling what that might be.

Once unknown to only a small handful of people, Mr. Mopula is now unknown virtually wherever he goes. His signature style has become a household word, like lint. As you might imagine, fan mail pours in on a regular basis. Most of this correspondence expresses gratitude for a specific quote which has proven meaningful, even inspirational, for the writer. A few of these appear below.

“Is the Internet merely a mechanism by which alien life forms can quantify human gullibility and fatuousness?”

”After I read this, Facebook made sense for the first time!” Prunella Entwhistle, Mole Hill, Ohio

“Why pay to exercise in a gym when you can enjoy an exercise in futility for free whenever you like?”

“You helped me understand that, if I don’t exercise my rights, I lose them. The same principle should apply to pounds. Thanks!”  Biggie Schwartz, Gezundt, Minnesota

Laughter is the best medicine; except when it comes to poisonous snakebites, then it’s the second-best medicine.”

“Man! You really straightened me out with this one! When I think about how I laughed my way through that appendectomy!” Cappie Gasaway, Crooked Ankle, Oklahoma

“Whales and polar bears, yes; but you will never find intellectual sloth on the endangered list.”

“Can you imagine? Before I started reading your quotes I thought ‘slow” was the same as ‘stupid’ – now I know that a slow sloth can be smart!” Kiki Scintilla, Peroxide Falls, California

“Think twice before burning bridges; you never know when you might want to jump off one of them.”

“Speaking in terms of motivational quotes, this one is like making love on an elevator – it’s wrong on so many levels.” Zig “Pema” Robbins, Gator Breath, Louisiana

“If I could only give you one piece of advice it would be this: Do not, under any circumstances, take my advice.”

“I reflect upon this like a transparent man reflects upon two funhouse mirrors facing one another. There is no end to the lack of meaning.  Merci!” Jean Paul Insouciance, Ennui, Martinique

To learn less about Taz Mopula click HERE

The Great Internet Quote Quiz

With All The Expertise Volunteered Internet Ignorance Priceless

As we surf the net in search of self-improvement tools, tips, and techniques it behooves us to consider the source of every thought nugget we devour. Do not feed your mind with tainted thoughts from questionable vendors. Before embracing an idea, verify the authenticity of its source. This quiz will help sharpen your skills! Identify the actual source of each quote.

1. “Just say no to nihilism.”
a.) Tristan Tzara
b.) Leo Buscaglia
c.) Ellen DeGeneres
d.) Taz Mopula

2. “Visualize world illiteracy.”
a.) Oprah Winfrey
b.) Taz Mopula
c.) Mark Twain
d.) Steven Jobs

3. “Think globally, act sillilly.”
a.) Julian Assange
b.) Paris Hilton
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) J.K. Rowling

4. “Life is good, death is poopy.”
a.) Taz Mopula
b.) Wayne Dyer
c.) Pat Robertson
d.) Adam Savage

5. “Humility is nothing to brag about.”
a.) Kanye West
b.) Tony Robbins
c.) Mark Chapman
d.) Taz Mopula

6. “Beware of petting a peeve; they bite.”
a.) Kim Kardashian
b.) Oscar Wilde
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) Penn Jillette

7. “Depression is nothing to laugh about.”
a.) Taz Mopula
b.) Phil Specter
c.) Homer
d.) Ivan The Terrible

8. “Reality is not merely a lifestyle option.”
a.) Ronald Reagan
b.) Paulo Coelho
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) Charles Manson

9. “Write first, decide not to later, edit later still.”
a.) Geraldo Rivera
b.) Taz Mopula
c.) Bob Dylan
d.) David Berkowitz

10. “Exorcise your demons, don’t exercise them.”
a.) Taz Mopula
b.) Tomás de Torquemada
c.) George W. Bush
d.) Maya Angelou

11. “Be nice to your enemies; you just might be one of them.”
a.) Rasputin
b.) Taz Mopula
c.) Whitey Bulger
d.) George Martin

12. “Expect the worst and you’re unlikely to be disappointed.”
a.) John Wayne Gacy
b.) Liberace
c.) Leonard Cohen
d.) Taz Mopula

13. “If you want to find your bliss, get yourself some blisters.”
a.) Pema Chödrön
b.) E. L. James
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) Jerry Garcia

14. “Beware of the future, it’s a fun place to visit but bad place to live.”
a.) Taz Mopula
b.) Albert Einstein
c.) Nostradamus
d.) Ernest Hemingway

15. “Think twice before burning bridges; you never know when you might want to jump off one of them.”
a.) Paul Reubens
b.) Greuthungi the Ostrogoth
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) David Koresh

16. “To live happily it either is or is not essential that one learns to embrace self-contradictory concepts.”
a.) Noam Chomsky
b.) Taz Mopula
c.) Neil deGrasse Tyson
d.) Keith Richards

17. “Before you criticize a man, walk half a mile in his shoes, turn around, retrace your steps, and return them to him.”
a.) Taz Mopula
b.) Elton John
c.) Lance Armstrong
d.) Pliny the Elder

18. “Help eliminate communication pollution! If you have nothing of value to say, say it only as often as is absolutely necessary.”
a.) Jerry Springer
b.) Taz Mopula
c.) Josquin des Prez
d.) Maury Povich

19. “Dying is easy, they say, but comedy is hard. So cheer up. Even if you fail at comedy you’re almost certain to die successfully.”
a.) Rev. Jim Jones
b.) Socrates
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) Edgar Allen Poe

20. “Since anything is possible, the only difference between the impossible and the possible is that the impossible is possible while the possible is not impossible, no matter how determined you are to make it so.”
a.) Tom Waits
b.) Timothy Leary
c.) Dalai Lama
d.) Taz Mopula

Correct Answers Will Be Published In Tomorrow’s Blog

If you enjoyed this quiz you will almost certainly enjoy my hilarious books – check them out by clicking HERE

The Great Affirmation Quiz

Just say no to affirmations

The Internet seems to be surfing on an endless wave of affirmations. It’s as if everyone on the web is eager to tell everyone else how to achieve happiness, which, presumably, is a lot easier than finding it for themselves.

These uplifting sentiments are almost always retreads, snatched from questionable sources and presented so that others may pass them along yet again. But what’s so bad about affirmations? Well, passionately believing insane nonsense isn’t good for one’s mental health. When it comes time to separate gold from dross, unsentimental scrutiny and sound analysis are essential.

It is useful to consider the source; is the mind that spun this confection rational, reputable, and reliable? To help you sharpen your skills I’ve assembled 20 of the most compelling affirmations I could find on the Internet. For each I’ve listed 4 possible authors. Correct answers will be posted in tomorrow’s blog – good luck!

Who Really Originated These Popular Affirmations?

1. “Never underestimate your ability to underestimate others and overestimate your own capabilities.”
a.) Michele Bachmann
b.) Marcel Proust
c.) Lizzie Borden
d.) Taz Mopula

2. “Live as if you’ll be forgotten only for your deeds, not for your words.”
a.) Nikola Tesla
b.) Taz Mopula
c.) Uri Geller
d.) George Ruth

3. “People are imperfect by nature; if a person you know and love doesn’t disappoint you, you have a right to feel let down.”
a.) Ayn Rand
b.) L. Ron Hubbard
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) Martha Stewart

4. “Being average is a very special gift; find awesome in mediocrity. Do not let anyone talk you out of your right to be ordinary.”
a.) Taz Mopula
b.) Pema Chödrön
c.) Ivan Pavlov
d.) Oprah Winfrey

5. “All emotional torment arises from the inability to extinguish hope.”
a.) Carl Jung
b.) Mary Shelley
c.) Blind Lemon Jefferson
d.) Taz Mopula

6. “Before you criticize a man, walk half a mile in his shoes, turn around, retrace your steps, and return them to him.”
a.) Mikhail Baryshnikov
b.) Cab Calloway
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) Lance Armstrong

7. “Not all human sacrifice is equally noble; it depends a little on which human is being sacrificed.”
a.) Donald Trump
b.) Taz Mopula
c.) Phil Spector
d.) Duane Chapman

8. “For the first time in history mankind has the technological ability to eliminate all human life; so what’s the hold up?”
a.) Richard Gatling
b.) Ferdinand von Zeppelin
c.) Wernher von Braun
d.) Taz Mopula

9. “You can’t fool all of the people all of the time; but why would you even try when they’re so eager to do the job for you?”
a.) Stacy London
b.) Dane Cook
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) Jim Jarmusch

10. “Expect people to disappoint you. Then, when they don’t, you’ll really have something to be disappointed about.”
a.) Taz Mopula
b.) Marilyn Monroe
c.) Wayne Dyer
d.) Andy Kaufman

11. “If you need both hands and both feet to count your dearest friends; don’t do it while you’re driving.”
a.) J.D. Salinger
b.) Taz Mopula
c.) Tomás de Torquemada
d.) Dale Earnhardt

12. “Thinking you are better than other people simply because you are smarter than they are is proof that you aren’t.”
a.) Neil deGrasse Tyson
b.) Ann Coulter
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) Christopher Hitchens

13. “The world is most certainly not a fair place, which, for the vast majority of us, is very fortunate indeed.”
a.) Ed Gein
b.) Barbra Streisand
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) David Berkowitz

14. “In the final analysis it’s important to remember that uniqueness is about the only thing we all have in common.”
a.) Taz Mopula
b.) Idi Amin
c.) Che Guevara
d.) Kim Kardashian

15. “Everything happens for a reason; frequently it’s a very bad reason.”
a.) Isaac Newton
b.) Deepak Chopra
c.) Anna Nicole Smith
d.) Taz Mopula

16. “Independence is theoretically possible, provided you’ve got sufficient support.”
a.) Dalai Lama
b.) Tony Robbins
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) Ethelred the Unready

17. “Uncertainty is all we can rely on.”
a.) Søren Kierkegaard
b.) Marcel Duchamp
c.) Ambrose Bierce
d.) Taz Mopula

18. “There is nothing to fear except you itself.”
a.) Taz Mopula
b.) Virginia Woolf
c.) Nathaniel West
d.) Dorothy Parker

19. “If you want to find your bliss, get yourself some blisters.”
a.) Mark Twain
b.) Taz Mopula
c.) Junior Walker
d.) Johnny Walker

20. “Think twice before burning bridges; you never know when you might want to jump off one of them.”
a.) Hannibal
b.) Spalding Gray
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) H. L. Mencken

See tomorrow’s blog for correct answers.

The Great Epigram Quiz

epigram taz

The use and abuse of quotes, aphorisms, and bromides has grown to epidemic proportions; today the Internet is awash in frequently misattributed, pithy sentiments. Who really said the following?

1.“Why pay to exercise in a gym when you can enjoy an exercise in futility for free whenever you like?”
a.) Cicero
b.) Snooki
c.) Sisyphus
d.) Taz Mopula

2. “You have the right to remain silent, and listen. Might be advisable to exercise it before they take that one away, too.”
a.) Marcel Marceau
b.) Lao Tzu
c.) Boxcar Willie
d.) Taz Mopula

3. “Don’t honk if you love auditory hallucinations.”
a.) Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
b.) Sylvia Plath
c.) His Holiness the Dalai Lama
d.) Taz Mopula

4. “Laughter is the best medicine; except when it comes to poisonous snakebites, then it’s the second-best medicine.”
a.) Albert Schweitzer
b.) Baron Rochefoucauld
c.) Kim Kardashian
d.) Taz Mopula

5. “The real tragedy of political correctness is that it has given lying a bad name.”
a.) Pliny The Elder
b.) Pliny The Younger
c.) Regular Pliny
d.) Taz Mopula

6. “Think twice before burning bridges; you never know when you might want to jump off one of them.”
a.) Zig Zigler
b.) Pema Chödrön
c.) Reverend Ike
d.) Taz Mopula

7. “Looking for self-worth in someone else’s eyes is like trying to breathe with someone else’s lungs.”
a.) Maya Angelou
b.) Charlie Sheen
c.) Gertrude Stein
d.) Taz Mopula

8. “It’s not that I don’t love you, I do love you; I just don’t love you enough to lie to you.”
a.) Dante
b.) Paris Hilton
c.) Shakespeare
d.) Taz Mopula

9. “Should you meet someone who claims that visualizing a thing makes it so; tell them to visualize being flattened by a bus.”
a.) Tom Waits
b.) James Dean
c.) Hunter Thompson
d.) Taz Mopula

10. “Life is good! Death is poopy!”
a.) Dr. Wayne Dyer
b.) Oprah Winfrey
c.) Tony Robbins
d.) Taz Mopula

11. “You can’t fool all of the people all of the time; but why would you even try when they’re so eager to do the job for you?”
a.) Abraham Lincoln
b.) Will Rogers
c.) Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli
d.) Taz Mopula

12. “Why raise the bridge when you can lower your expectations of the river?”
a.) Albert Camus
b.) Søren Kierkegaard
c.) Jean Paul Sartre
d.) Taz Mopula

13. “Ultimately it’s not what you don’t say that matters most so much as how you don’t say it.”
a.) Harpo Marx
b.) Tomás de Torquemada
c.) Oscar Wilde
d.) Taz Mopula

14. “Be nice to your enemies; you just might be one of them.”
a.) Pogo
b.) Socrates
c.) Ozzy Osbourne
d.) Taz Mopula

15. “The best things in life aren’t free, the worst things in life aren’t free, and the cost of mediocrity is hidden.”
a.) John Lennon
b.) Jack Lemmon
c.) Blind Lemon Jefferson
d.) Taz Mopula

16. “Dying is easy, they say, but comedy is hard. So cheer up. Even if you fail at comedy you’re almost certain to die successfully.”
a.) Andrew “Dice” Clay
b.) Sam Kinison
c.) Carrot Top
d.) Taz Mopula

17. “American liberals, celebrated for their tolerance, stalwartly defend the right of wretched refuse to agree with them.”
a.) Noam Chomsky
b.) Pete Seeger
c.) Christopher Hitchens
d.) Taz Mopula

18. “Political Correctness: An experiment in social engineering which holds that renaming dung mousse au chocolat makes it edible.”
a.) Reverend Al Sharpton
b.) Julia Child
c.) Che Guevara
d.) Taz Mopula

19. “If technology makes our lives any more convenient, even breathing will become too much of an effort.”
a.) Steven Jobs
b.) Bill Gates
c.) Larry Page
d.) Taz Mopula

20. “Artificial intelligence will soon be the only kind remaining; thus conclusively proving the failure of human intelligence.”
a.) Isaac Asimov
b.) Ray Bradbury
c.) Michel de Nostredame
d.) Taz Mopula

It’s Lonely At The Top

It's Lonely At Top

The students who attend Tucson University, America’s most prestigious online learning resource, are scattered throughout the country. Consequently, a traditional graduation ceremony is both logistically challenging and inappropriate.

This year’s graduation ceremony was special indeed. Because Tucson, (sometimes referred to as Virtual U), finds its entire existence in digital ether; featured guest speaker Taz Mopula delivered his remarks in a series of tweets.

They appear below.

Tucson University 2012 Commencement Tweets – Taz Mopula

Class of 2012. As you explore what is arguably the world, remember:

It’s lonely at the top. Then again, it’s lonely at the bottom too, plus, the service is really bad.

There is nothing to fear except you itself.

If I could only give you one piece of advice it would be this: Do not, under any circumstances, take my advice.

The moment you are certain that you’ve got it all worked out is precisely when you finally not do.

If you think education is expensive, try insolence.

Why raise the bridge when you can lower your expectations of the river?

Those who can’t do, teach; those who can’t teach, teach anyway.

How can you think outside of the box when the box is inside your head?

There is no shame in ignorance; then again, it’s no cause for celebration, either.

The more you learn the less you know for certain; the less you know for certain the more you learn.

Be nice to your enemies; you just might be one of them.

Your college selection is irrelevant. However, where you go to high school is crucial; because they will never let you leave.

Thank you.

TAZ TALKS

taz talks logo

TAZ TALK was founded in 1984 and has been held annually at the Airport Holiday Inn outside Aspen, Colorado ever since. The TAZ TALK Mission Statement is as follows:

We believe passionately in the power of seminars to fill seats. Our goal is to establish a clearinghouse of warmed-over twaddle carefully constructed to allow fuzzy-headed ultra-liberals unencumbered access to the self-righteous sanctimony they so desperately crave. Life Is Good!

Over the years, Taz Talks have featured some of our most profoundly inspiring paradigm-shifters, thought-leaders, game-changers, and tipping-pointers including Pema Chödrön, Zig Zigler, Tony Robbins, and Frederick J. Eikerenkoetter – better known to millions as Reverend Ike.

Here, at last, is the complete transcript of TAZ TALK #1, delivered by Taz Mopula on May 8, 1984. (Speaker commentary appears in regular type. Bolded quotes were projected for audience members to read.)

Welcome to Taz Talks. My name is Taz Mopula. I’d like to begin with a question.

Slide 1.

“If you don’t know what you want, how can you be certain that what you have right now isn’t it?” Taz Mopula

Most of us don’t even know who we are, so how on earth could we know what we want? What we think we want is what other people want us to want. So we do.

Slide 2.

“Entitlement is a fraudulent concept. We are none of us entitled to anything. Even that next breath you crave is a gift.” Taz Mopula

Inalienable rights! Hilarious! Pursuit of happiness! Stop, you’re killing me! Right to exist! Priceless! None of us is entitled to anything at all, not even death.

Slide 3.

“Expect the worst and you’re unlikely to be disappointed.” Taz Mopula

Attitude influences outcome, although it certainly doesn’t guarantee it.

Slide 4.

“Why raise the bridge when you can lower your expectations of the river?” Taz Mopula

There’s a lot of talk about creative problem solving, but it’s hard to think outside the box when the box is inside your head.

Slide 5.

“You can always have everything you want because you get to decide what you want.” Taz Mopula

I want you to be free from want. Do you see how this can never work?

Slide 6.

“It’s lonely at the top. Then again, it’s lonely at the bottom too, plus, the service is really bad.” Taz Mopula

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

Slide 7.

“The only thing worse than obsessing over your press clippings is believing the ones you wrote yourself.” Taz Mopula

They say that reality occurs when two or more people simultaneously subscribe to the same illusion.

Slide 8.

“Psychotics, murderers, and those who claim certain knowledge of God’s will, are to be avoided at all cost.” Taz Mopula

Beware the zealous speaker. He may be mad, selling something, or intoxicated by a misguided belief in his own imagined infallibility.

Slide 9.

“There is nothing to fear except you itself.” Taz Mopula

We think of the world as a dangerous place and realize too late that we are the most dangerous part of it.

Slide 10.

“If I could only give you one piece of advice it would be this: Do not, under any circumstances, take my advice.” Taz Mopula

Thank you.