The Internet Thought Leader Quote Quiz

No Dying Man Ever Wished He Had Invested More Time

Internet Thought Leader Quote Quiz

The intrepid Internet surfer eventually discovers that – packed in between wise cracking cats and vapid affirmations – some highly intelligent social commentary awaits. But how familiar are you with the Internet’s most influential thought leaders? Below are 20 carefully selected nuggets, with multiple possible authors. Can you source them accurately?

1. “With all the expertise being volunteered on the Internet, ignorance is rapidly becoming a priceless commodity.”

a.) Mark Zuckerberg
b.) Taz Mopula
c.) Larry Page
d.) Jack Dorsey

2. “I avoid all political discussions because the doctor told me to reduce my daily intake of anger and stupidity.”

a.) Karl Rove
b.) Michele Bachmann
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) Glenn Beck

3. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me every day and you’re ready to run for office.”

a.) Taz Mopula
b.) Sarah Palin
c.) Reverend Al Sharpton
d.) Jeffrey Dahmer

4. “New app enables users to bravely condemn global injustice and insult authority figures without budging from comfy recliner!”

a.) Anonymous
b.) Abbie Hoffman
c.) Nelson Mandela
d.) Taz Mopula

5. “There are no guarantees in life, not even death and taxes, especially if you’re a corporation.”

a.) Paul Volcker
b.) Taz Mopula
c.) Alan Greenspan
d.) John Wayne Gacy

6. “American liberals, celebrated for their tolerance, stalwartly defend the right of wretched refuse to agree with them.”

a.) Taz Mopula
b.) Noam Chomsky
c.) Maya Angelou
d.) Idi Amin Dada

7. “Democracy guarantees the right to choose the wrong person.”

a.) Ronald Reagan
b.) Vlad the Impaler
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) George W. Bush

8. “Political Correctness: An experiment in social engineering which holds that renaming dung mousse au chocolat makes it edible.”

a.) Oprah Winfrey
b.) Ellen DeGeneres
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) David Berkowitz

9. “The problem with Democracy is that it allows absolutely everybody to participate; fortunately they don’t.”

a.) Will Rogers
b.) Taz Mopula
c.) H. L. Mencken
d.) Mark Twain

10. “Often it is through the process of explaining a concept to others that we come to fully appreciate the depth of our ignorance.”

a.) Rush Limbaugh
b.) Ann Coulter
c.) Pol Pot
d.) Taz Mopula

11. “Learning how to ask for help is essential; but beware of zealots, all zealots, they will help you to death.”

a.) Moammar Khadafi
b.) Taz Mopula
c.) Rumi
d.) Yanni

12. “Think about it. If I knew of a way to make loads of money without working hard, would I share it with you?”

a.) Taz Mopula
b.) Tony Robbins
c.) Wayne Dwyer
d.) Pema Chödrön

13. “Those who would do the right thing because it is, conveniently, also the expedient thing, are already morally bankrupt.”

a.) Jesse Jackson
b.) Janet Jackson
c.) Andrew Jackson
d.) Taz Mopula

14. “There is only one truly effective way to defend yourself against terrorists; stop creating them.”

a.) Dick Cheney
b.) Robert McNamara
c.) Barbra Streisand
d.) Taz Mopula

15. “War is extremely useful for those eager to disprove evolution.”

a.) Charles Darwin
b.) Taz Mopula
c.) Gregor Mendel
d.) Antonie van Leeuwenhoek

16. “Having a poo-flinging monkey on your back may be tiresome, but it’s far worse for your adversaries.”

a.) Duane Chapman
b.) Taz Mopula
c.) Dian Fossey
d.) Steve Irwin

17. “History repeats itself with tedious insistence; mankind seems determined to perfect its imperfections.”

a.) Nostradamus
b.) John Edward
c.) Christopher Hitchens
d.) Taz Mopula

18. “If your efforts have assuaged the suffering of just one road-weary, hopeless soul; you probably aren’t trying very hard.”

a.) Dalai Lama
b.) Charles Manson
c.) Taz Mopula
d.) Arsenio Hall

19. “WWIII is over; don’t you remember? It was US against US; and we lost.”

a.) Taz Mopula
b.) Ludacris
c.) Gil Scott Heron
d.) Fatty Fat Boy

20. “Should you meet someone who claims that visualizing a thing makes it so; tell them to visualize being flattened by a bus.”

a.) Wayne Dyer
b.) Joseph Campbell
c.) Glen Campbell
d.) Taz Mopula

Answers will be posted in tomorrow’s blog.

5 Ways Internet Use Causes Mental Illness

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The Internet is a repository for mental illnesses of every description, but did you know that the Internet is also one of the leading causes of mental illness? That’s the conclusion of researchers at The Institute for Advanced Study of Studied Institutionalization (IASSI).

At a recent press briefing, IASSI spokesman Reginald Frampton elaborated.

“Mentally Ill People, referred to as MIPs in our document, are particularly susceptible to the sustained level of psychosis that characterizes Internet traffic.

“MIPs are already having difficulty sorting out what’s real from what’s not, and extended immersion in the stew of dementia found in Facebook and other so called ‘social networking’ sites – which we at the institute call ‘nutworking’ sites – exacerbates an already worrisome situation.

“Unlike most think tank studies, which are roughly as deep as a Frisbee or the typical TED Talk, we have provided 5 action steps which, if aggressively implemented, will make the Internet safer for MIPs, and a whole lot less tiresome and irritating for non-MIPs. Here they are.

No more photographs of bacon. Everybody likes bacon; bacon does not need advocacy. The obsession with bacon is wreaking havoc among MIPs with eating disorders.

The word ‘awesome’ must be eliminated, that’s right, eliminated, except in cases where others are being told that the word ‘awesome’ must be eliminated, such as this one.

Clowns and mimes are universally loathed and feared, but nothing arouses existential dread quite like a talking baby. MIPs are okay with the occasional magician or ventriloquist; but the world of big pharma simply isn’t big enough to handle what happens when a MIP sees an infant cracking wise in a Brooklyn accent better suited to a 45-year old, beer swilling stevedore.

Magical thinking – ‘Click Here to End World Hunger’ – posts. These posts, which collect signatures for morally attractive liberal causes in hopes of influencing the powers that be so as to ultimately alter social policy for the better, thereby making the world a cheerier place inhabited by unicorns crooning Frank Sinatra tunes – never work. We know this, but MIPs do not. They click ‘Like’ for hours and, when nothing happens, become ever more despondent.

GIFs of people shooting themselves in the foot, walking into moving cars, or exploding. MIPs are no more appalled by lowbrow violence than the average citizen, however, the problem is that these twisted mini-movies repeat endlessly, thereby locking MIP viewers into a kind of video prison. Many a MIP suffering from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) has been rendered catatonic by the incessant, repetitive cruelty that only GIFs deliver.”

At that point, Mr. Frampton reached for his smart phone and concluded the conference.

Self-Diagnosis With SynAPPS

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Sooner or later we are all tormented by that nagging, unnerving question. You know the one. Am I wearing my underwear over my clothes? Is my cheese slipping off the cracker? Am I marching to the beat of a different dumber? Is the diploma in my den from Whassamatta U?

Like a pebble wedged firmly in your shoe the uncertainty refuses to leave, taunting and mocking until thinking of anything else is impossible.

I’ve been troubled by these moments of existential meltdown for decades, which is why I was so excited when my friends at Kronko told me about self-diagnosis with SynAPPS® – the latest in “smart” applications for iPhones, iPads, and ay caramba. Here’s how it works.

As an intelligent application, SynAPPS® records your online activities in order to build, and regularly update, a psychodynamic knowledge base enabling it to gauge your sanity quotient on demand.

On-Line, Real-Time Sanity Checks!

Feeling a little squizzly? Starting to wonder if you’re safe behind the wheel of a front-end loader, steamboat, or roulette table? Simply let SynAPPS®determine your degree of sanity with a flurry of carefully crafted questions designed to slip through your layers of delusion and self-deception for a look at the unvarnished truth.

Below you will find some of the generic, pre-loaded questions; note that questions become more specifically targeted to your individual psychological make-up the longer you useSynAPPS®.

1. Do all people lie? Yes No

2. Do you lie? Yes No

3. Are you lying now? Yes No

4. Are you feeling just a wee bit squizzly? Yes No

5. Are you lying now? Yes No

6. How about now? Yes No

7. Is life just a metaphor for golf? Yes No

8. Is fishing just a way to hide a drinking problem? Yes No

9. Is drinking just a way to hide a fishing problem? Yes No

10.Do you lie about the size of the fish you catch? Yes No

11.Are you the Emperor of France? Yes No

12.Do you enjoy ruling France? Yes No

13.Would this be a good time to lie about ruling France? Yes No

14.When a hoodlum approaches, do you cross the street? Yes No

15.When a hoodlum approaches, does he cross the street? Yes No

16.Is sanity overrated? Yes No

17.Okay, you’re sure you’re the Emperor of France? Yes No

18.Is “reality” just everyone believing the same illusion? Yes No

19.Is squazmogrified pontippelation inexorable? Yes No

20.How about now? Yes No

If you answer just one of these questions incorrectly, SynAPPS®  sends a comical e-card flagging your loopitude potential. Two inaccurate responses generates a warning call to the local police, and three mistakes prompts a power surge strong enough to knock you out until you’re more yourself.

SynAPPS® from Kronko. You’ll never have wonder if you’re whackadoomius again.

Mass Communication: Pox or Apocalypse?

Help Eliminate Communication Pollution

According to a recent survey, 90% of surveys referenced on the Internet are fictitious.

According to an entirely different, completely credible, survey, 87% of all information posted on the Internet is “useless, stupid, false, and/or toxic.”

Survey author, Chumley Entwhistle, Dean Of Psychology at Basingstoke University, expanded. When he was finished expanding, he explained.

“All of us remember the first time our parents caught us shooting heroin. We said, ‘But all the kids are doing it.’ To which our parents replied, ‘If all the kids were setting fire to Archbishops, would you do that too?’ After a considerable amount of soul searching we realized that we would.

“Human interaction has grown increasingly inane through the centuries,” Entwhistle stated, “but until the communication age this posed no problem. Today, however, everyone can communicate with everyone all the time; we’ve inadvertently loosed a tsunami of litter, twaddle, and dreck upon the land.”

A recent study, released by The National Association of Releasing Studies, shows that information is more addictive than crack cocaine.

(NARS officials revealed that the value of the communication makes no difference whatsoever, indeed, anecdotal data suggests that useless information is actually somewhat more addictive than valuable information.)

“It’s a perfect storm of intellectual and cultural devolution,” continued Entwhistle flatly. “Our addiction to sharing the hideous minutia of mundane lives has had catastrophic sociological effects.

“For example: A – We can no longer discriminate between treasure and trash. 2 – We have lost the ability to listen, thereby completely undermining the learning process. Next – since we are lulled into the myth of believing we are interesting, we no longer go to any trouble to be interesting.

“All addictions lead to the same place, as we know,” Entwhistle, now oozing disingenuous gravitas, brushed back a tear with his assistant’s sleeve, “one plummets into degradation like a hanged man drops through a trap door. Our cultural consciousness has already fallen to shocking depths.

“For example, Internet users seem to be amazed that bacon is delicious, coffee is stimulating, and cats are adorable – so much so that they repeat these observations endlessly as though they’d just thought of them.

“Heartbreaking,” sighed Entwhistle, “just short years ago everyone understood these rudimentary concepts.

“The first step in recovering from addiction is admitting the problem, and our society must confront its dependence on low-quality information from disreputable sources,” Entwhistle cautioned.

“In the words of Taz Mopula,” he smiled, “Our ability to broadcast the wretched detritus of daily life is no argument for doing so; restraint is increasingly precious.”

Invisible Driving Press Release

 

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Hailed as ‘The quintessential expression of Bipolar Disorder in print’, Alistair McHarg’s compelling memoir sheds vital light on one of the world’s most bizarre and misunderstood illnesses. Taking readers on a first-person account of a manic episode and depicting the perilous road to recovery, ‘Invisible Driving’ is resonating with an eclectic global readership.

For Immediate Release

While 1.2% (statistic: National Institute of Mental Health) of the American population suffer from Manic Depression, commonly referred to as Bipolar Disorder, it remains one of the most stigmatized and misunderstood illnesses among society. However, a gripping and emotive new memoir by Alistair McHarg is making waves across the nation as it slowly but steadily chips away at this stigma and presents the raw realities of life with the illness.

‘Invisible Driving’ illustrates the harsh reality that 2.3 million U.S. adults deal with every day.

Synopsis:

Invisible Driving is a memoir of Manic Depression that takes readers inside the terrors, thrills, and triumphs of coming to terms with this debilitating and misunderstood mental illness. The manic narrator’s voice vividly recreates the feelings and sensations of mania, offering an unprecedented look at this fascinating and bizarre state of being. While behavior and thought illuminate the condition of mania, it is the protagonist’s language itself that most viscerally conveys what it feels like to be trapped inside a manic ‘high.’

The voice of the recovered narrator provides context, reliability, and credibility. Where the manic narrator is relentlessly entertaining and delusional, the recovered narrator is tough minded, concise, and determined to reveal the truth, no matter how painful. With a cold eye he examines the forces that shaped him in order to shed light on the psychological architecture driving the episode. 

The interplay between these two perspectives underscores the bipolar nature of Manic Depression; the greatest personal challenge is reconciling them. Ultimately, the narrator must confront his own worst nightmare and in doing so gain character, insight, and acceptance.

As the author explains, he hopes that offering an intimate account of his own struggle with Manic Depression will help change the public’s perceptions about the illness, as well as those forced to live with it.

“I’ve struggled with Manic Depression for thirty-nine years. With one in five of us completing suicide, it’s time the world wakes up to just how cruel this illness is to us. My aim for the book was to offer an unprecedented ‘insider perspective’, to make the illness and its experiences understandable to a general audience, as well as illuminating the difficult road to recovery,” says McHarg, who travels the country speaking about his experiences with Manic Depression.

Continuing, “I am determined to change how the public view the illness and its victims. My journey so far has taken me to prestigious platforms including the Thomas Jefferson Medical College and WBZ Boston’s Jordan Rich Show. There’s a lot more ground to cover but I’m already seeing shifts in perception as a result of openly discussing my life and work.”

Since its release, the book has garnered a consistent string of rave reviews. 

“One of the best books of its kind, written by a man who has been there,” says leading Bipolar authority Dr. E. Fuller Torrey.

F. Burnside was equally as impressed, adding, “McHarg has achieved the nearly impossible task of describing mental illness with mere words – but what words! He takes you into the eye of the manic hurricane and gives you the lightning, thunder and the sunshine all at once with extended stream of conscious word play that somehow makes sense.”

‘Invisible Driving’ is available now: http://amzn.to/117Ag2T –   Book excerpts and author interviews (print & video) are available at http://www.alistairmcharg.com.

About the Author:

Writer and performer Alistair McHarg grew up in Philadelphia, attended Germantown Friends School, graduated from Haverford College with honors, and earned an M.A. in creative writing from the University of Louisville. He has been a promotional copywriter for 30 years, but creative writing has always been his passion. He has published two satiric novels, Moonlit Tours and Washed Up, and has been publishing poetry for decades. “Miscellaneous” employment includes fighting forest fires in Alaska, working as a deckhand on a Norwegian freighter touring South America, and driving a cab in Philadelphia.

The Great Internet Quote Quiz – Redux

On The Internet All Statements True

The Internet is awash in quotations of debatable merit; some are attributed, some are unattributed, many are inaccurately attributed while others are obvious fabrications. I would like to help separate the flotsam from the jetsam. Below you will find 20 insightful Internet quotes. Can you identify who really said them? Good luck!

1. “Being average is a very special gift; find awesome in mediocrity. Do not let anyone talk you out of your right to be ordinary.”
a.) Pema Chödrön
b.) Zig Zigler
c.) Anthony “Tony” Robbins
d.) Taz Mopula

2. “Why is it called the age of communication when nobody listens?”
a.) Roman Polanski
b.) Werner Herzog
c.) Lina Wertmüller
d.) Taz Mopula

3. “At what point does communication become air pollution?”
a.) Lady Gaga
b.) John Tesh
c.) Britney Spears
d.) Taz Mopula

4. “In the future, everyone will be obscure for 15 minutes.”
a.) Gallagher
b.) Judy Tenuta
c.) Barry Sobel
d.) Taz Mopula

5. “Getting noticed is not the same thing as doing something noteworthy.”
a.) Charlie Sheen
b.) Glenn Beck
c.) Stephenie Meyer
d.) Taz Mopula

6. “TV was once exciting. Every new technology shows promise before plummeting to meet the level of its user.”
a.) Donald James Reum
b.) Chauncy Entwhistle
c.) Lance Incubator Smythe
d.) Taz Mopula

7. “How can you cut through the clutter when the clutter goes all the way through?”
a.) Jeff Beck
b.) John Cage
c.) Terence Trent D’arby
d.) Taz Mopula

8. “Click here if you are gullible enough to believe that clicking here will actually make a difference.”
a.) Deepak Chopra
b.) Oprah Winfrey
c.) Dr. Wayne Dyer
d.) Taz Mopula

9. “Humans can repair mechanical problems; but machines cannot repair human problems, only manifest them in new forms.”
a.) Felix Wankel
b.) Dean Kamen
c.) Ron Popeil
d.) Taz Mopula

10. “New app enables users to bravely condemn global injustice and insult authority figures without budging from Barcalounger!”
a.) Rhonda Byrne
b.) Mark Zuckerberg
c.) Ellen DeGeneres
d.) Taz Mopula

11. “Instant, universal communication has made it impossible to know if anyone is saying anything valuable.”
a.) Howard Stern
b.) Rush Limbaugh
c.) David Letterman
d.) Taz Mopula

12. “Never confuse fame with artistic quality, or wealth with value. Society gets what it wants, not what it needs.”
a.) Kanye West
b.) Heavy D
c.) Wu-Tang Clan
d.) Taz Mopula

13. “The only thing worse than obsessing over your press clippings is believing the ones you wrote yourself.”
a.) Nicholas Cage
b.) Lisa Lampanelli
c.) Al Pacino
d.) Taz Mopula

14. “Is the Internet merely a mechanism by which alien life forms can quantify human gullibility and fatuousness?”
a.) Elmo
b.) Kermit
c.) Cookie Monster
d.) Taz Mopula

15. “Technology has democratized the tools of creativity, resulting in a tsunami even more cretinous and loathsome than anticipated.”
a.) Gene Simmons
b.) Criss Angel
c.) Ozzy Osbourne
d.) Taz Mopula

16. “Artificial intelligence will soon be the only kind remaining; thus conclusively proving the failure of human intelligence.”
a.) Ray Bradbury
b.) Stephen Hawking
c.) Douglas Adams
d.) Taz Mopula

17. “If technology makes our lives any more convenient, even breathing will become too much of an effort.”
a.) Steven Jobs
b.) Don Cornelius
c.) Bill Gates
d.) Taz Mopula

18. “Our ability to broadcast the wretched detritus of daily life is no argument for doing so; restraint is increasingly precious.”
a.) Paris Hilton
b.) Rupert Murdoch
c.) Anna Nicole Smith
d.) Taz Mopula

19. “The Constitution has been amended. It now only guarantees your right to pretend that privacy actually exists.”
a.) Duane “Dog” Chapman
b.) Julian Assange
c.) Rose Mary Woods
d.) Taz Mopula

20. “Is a reality small enough to fit conveniently into the palm of your hand even worth having at all?”
a.) Leonard Hofstadter
b.) Howard Wolowitz
c.) Sheldon Cooper
d.) Taz Mopula

(Answer key will appear in tomorrow’s blog.)