Passive/Aggressive Olympics

You Will Never Never Make Me Happy

Passive/Aggressive Behavior ( PAB ) plays an integral role in various kinds of mental illness. Historically referred to as Obnoxious Behavior ( OB ) or just plain Irritating Behavior ( IB ), Passive/Aggressive Behavior has been identified as both symptom and cause of a dizzying assortment of psychological maladies including, but not limited to, paranoia, paranormia, pareschewed, and Chumley Standpipe Syndrome ( CSS ).

Early psychiatrists, realizing PAB to be a very sneaky and elusive foe, adapted an innovative approach to treatment. They reasoned that, rather than causing patients to feel guilt about passive aggressive behavior, long-term recovery goals would be much better served by luring PAB out of its lair with promises of rewards, praise, and lucrative commercial endorsements. Far easier to treat a condition after it’s ventured into the open, they reasoned.

Dr. Zick Meind Phrawed stunned Zurich’s psychiatric community with the publication of his breakthrough paper, “So What If You Don’t Like My Paper? I Don’t Even Care!” In it, he argued passionately for a venue where passive/aggressive individuals (PAI) could proudly showcase their skills in a competitive context.

Dr. Phrawed managed to have his idea reviewed, and ultimately approved, by The International Council Of Psychologically Based Sporting Events (TICOPBSE). The first officially sanctioned games, held in Zurich, either were or weren’t a great success depending upon whom you ask and when you ask them.

Popular Events At The Passive/Aggressive Olympics

1. The exasperated sigh.

Extra points awarded when combined with eye roll and impatient foot tap. (World-class practitioners of this subtle skill have been known to train in high altitudes to build up lung power in oxygen-deprived environments.)

2. Conversation Hijack

Points are awarded for speed, abruptness, and implausibility of transitions. Once the conversation has been successfully hijacked, additional points are awarded for duration of control.

3. Pin The Blame On The Flunky

Blame may be shifted to an opponent, teammate, or referee. Points are awarded for shamelessness, smarm, and chutzpah.

4. Excuse Me!

The goal of this event is to provide excuses for failures that make the opponent appear to be responsible for the competitor’s fault. Extra points are scored if the opponent himself is actually convinced.

5. Going My Way?

This event seeks to discover just far out of the way an opponent can be gradually nudged into going. Extra points awarded if the opponent is manipulated so far out of his comfort zone he cannot find his way home.

Don’t miss a minute of this year’s Passive/Aggressive Olympics! Or do.