Mass Communication: Pox or Apocalypse?

Help Eliminate Communication Pollution

According to a recent survey, 90% of surveys referenced on the Internet are fictitious.

According to an entirely different, completely credible, survey, 87% of all information posted on the Internet is “useless, stupid, false, and/or toxic.”

Survey author, Chumley Entwhistle, Dean Of Psychology at Basingstoke University, expanded. When he was finished expanding, he explained.

“All of us remember the first time our parents caught us shooting heroin. We said, ‘But all the kids are doing it.’ To which our parents replied, ‘If all the kids were setting fire to Archbishops, would you do that too?’ After a considerable amount of soul searching we realized that we would.

“Human interaction has grown increasingly inane through the centuries,” Entwhistle stated, “but until the communication age this posed no problem. Today, however, everyone can communicate with everyone all the time; we’ve inadvertently loosed a tsunami of litter, twaddle, and dreck upon the land.”

A recent study, released by The National Association of Releasing Studies, shows that information is more addictive than crack cocaine.

(NARS officials revealed that the value of the communication makes no difference whatsoever, indeed, anecdotal data suggests that useless information is actually somewhat more addictive than valuable information.)

“It’s a perfect storm of intellectual and cultural devolution,” continued Entwhistle flatly. “Our addiction to sharing the hideous minutia of mundane lives has had catastrophic sociological effects.

“For example: A – We can no longer discriminate between treasure and trash. 2 – We have lost the ability to listen, thereby completely undermining the learning process. Next – since we are lulled into the myth of believing we are interesting, we no longer go to any trouble to be interesting.

“All addictions lead to the same place, as we know,” Entwhistle, now oozing disingenuous gravitas, brushed back a tear with his assistant’s sleeve, “one plummets into degradation like a hanged man drops through a trap door. Our cultural consciousness has already fallen to shocking depths.

“For example, Internet users seem to be amazed that bacon is delicious, coffee is stimulating, and cats are adorable – so much so that they repeat these observations endlessly as though they’d just thought of them.

“Heartbreaking,” sighed Entwhistle, “just short years ago everyone understood these rudimentary concepts.

“The first step in recovering from addiction is admitting the problem, and our society must confront its dependence on low-quality information from disreputable sources,” Entwhistle cautioned.

“In the words of Taz Mopula,” he smiled, “Our ability to broadcast the wretched detritus of daily life is no argument for doing so; restraint is increasingly precious.”

The Great Internet Quote Quiz – Redux

On The Internet All Statements True

The Internet is awash in quotations of debatable merit; some are attributed, some are unattributed, many are inaccurately attributed while others are obvious fabrications. I would like to help separate the flotsam from the jetsam. Below you will find 20 insightful Internet quotes. Can you identify who really said them? Good luck!

1. “Being average is a very special gift; find awesome in mediocrity. Do not let anyone talk you out of your right to be ordinary.”
a.) Pema Chödrön
b.) Zig Zigler
c.) Anthony “Tony” Robbins
d.) Taz Mopula

2. “Why is it called the age of communication when nobody listens?”
a.) Roman Polanski
b.) Werner Herzog
c.) Lina Wertmüller
d.) Taz Mopula

3. “At what point does communication become air pollution?”
a.) Lady Gaga
b.) John Tesh
c.) Britney Spears
d.) Taz Mopula

4. “In the future, everyone will be obscure for 15 minutes.”
a.) Gallagher
b.) Judy Tenuta
c.) Barry Sobel
d.) Taz Mopula

5. “Getting noticed is not the same thing as doing something noteworthy.”
a.) Charlie Sheen
b.) Glenn Beck
c.) Stephenie Meyer
d.) Taz Mopula

6. “TV was once exciting. Every new technology shows promise before plummeting to meet the level of its user.”
a.) Donald James Reum
b.) Chauncy Entwhistle
c.) Lance Incubator Smythe
d.) Taz Mopula

7. “How can you cut through the clutter when the clutter goes all the way through?”
a.) Jeff Beck
b.) John Cage
c.) Terence Trent D’arby
d.) Taz Mopula

8. “Click here if you are gullible enough to believe that clicking here will actually make a difference.”
a.) Deepak Chopra
b.) Oprah Winfrey
c.) Dr. Wayne Dyer
d.) Taz Mopula

9. “Humans can repair mechanical problems; but machines cannot repair human problems, only manifest them in new forms.”
a.) Felix Wankel
b.) Dean Kamen
c.) Ron Popeil
d.) Taz Mopula

10. “New app enables users to bravely condemn global injustice and insult authority figures without budging from Barcalounger!”
a.) Rhonda Byrne
b.) Mark Zuckerberg
c.) Ellen DeGeneres
d.) Taz Mopula

11. “Instant, universal communication has made it impossible to know if anyone is saying anything valuable.”
a.) Howard Stern
b.) Rush Limbaugh
c.) David Letterman
d.) Taz Mopula

12. “Never confuse fame with artistic quality, or wealth with value. Society gets what it wants, not what it needs.”
a.) Kanye West
b.) Heavy D
c.) Wu-Tang Clan
d.) Taz Mopula

13. “The only thing worse than obsessing over your press clippings is believing the ones you wrote yourself.”
a.) Nicholas Cage
b.) Lisa Lampanelli
c.) Al Pacino
d.) Taz Mopula

14. “Is the Internet merely a mechanism by which alien life forms can quantify human gullibility and fatuousness?”
a.) Elmo
b.) Kermit
c.) Cookie Monster
d.) Taz Mopula

15. “Technology has democratized the tools of creativity, resulting in a tsunami even more cretinous and loathsome than anticipated.”
a.) Gene Simmons
b.) Criss Angel
c.) Ozzy Osbourne
d.) Taz Mopula

16. “Artificial intelligence will soon be the only kind remaining; thus conclusively proving the failure of human intelligence.”
a.) Ray Bradbury
b.) Stephen Hawking
c.) Douglas Adams
d.) Taz Mopula

17. “If technology makes our lives any more convenient, even breathing will become too much of an effort.”
a.) Steven Jobs
b.) Don Cornelius
c.) Bill Gates
d.) Taz Mopula

18. “Our ability to broadcast the wretched detritus of daily life is no argument for doing so; restraint is increasingly precious.”
a.) Paris Hilton
b.) Rupert Murdoch
c.) Anna Nicole Smith
d.) Taz Mopula

19. “The Constitution has been amended. It now only guarantees your right to pretend that privacy actually exists.”
a.) Duane “Dog” Chapman
b.) Julian Assange
c.) Rose Mary Woods
d.) Taz Mopula

20. “Is a reality small enough to fit conveniently into the palm of your hand even worth having at all?”
a.) Leonard Hofstadter
b.) Howard Wolowitz
c.) Sheldon Cooper
d.) Taz Mopula

(Answer key will appear in tomorrow’s blog.)